astvinr (astvinr) wrote,

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Which side am I on?

Light or Dark? No matter how hard and long the striving to betterment, is there still a deep-seated core of the worse? Am I on Team Clean, or is my entire being but a mask worn by the avatar of evil? The words of a seeress and long-time confidante strike an uneasy chord in my heart. Is she right? It’s not about doing, it’s about being. Are even my very sense of self, my innate identity and ‘qualia’ of being no more than a cloak that wraps a different drummer?
It’s all very English Israelite, I suppose... For the ‘Justified Sinners’ of old, to be among the elect meant that nothing they did in life could jeopardize their salvation - not even murder. On the other hand, no amount of good deeds could save those who were pre-ordained to damnation by God. Their blameless lives were of no avail. Am I like that? Hell-bound however hard I struggle to free my demons? “Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers at night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright...”
Or is it simpler? Are there still ‘circuit breakers’ tripped to the ‘evil’ position that could be flipped back over? Only time will tell. But do not expect me to be the same again after this one. Be warned. You may well not like what you find.
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